Loving with Demons

I wasn’t always like this.

I never expected to be writing about love; not in a million years. I mean how could I speak on something I didn’t believe in? Something that was so foreign and terrifying?

For so long it disgusted me… I couldn’t see myself falling in love. And marriage? It became synonymous to torment. For so long I let my trauma poison me, and my depression turned to isolation and rage.

For years I watched my parents struggle and fight in a loveless marriage; an unwilling bystander to their unending chaos and resentment. My only example of a relationship was one of pain. And I thought:

“I will never be them.”

But it wasn’t up to me. The seed had been planted. As much as I tried to love and let people in, I couldn’t. I couldn’t shake my fears of going through their torment. The fear of taking on the curse of their unhappiness.

So I pushed them away. Everyone. Even those I truly cared about. I involuntarily compared every women I met to my mother in fear of going through the same struggles as my father. I didn’t even know I was doing it, but those demons ran deeper than I realized. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t every really shake them. And as they infested every facet of my life I spiraled into self-destruction and rage. At 16 I didn’t even see myself reaching 20.

And I was perfectly fine with that.

But then she came along. And somehow she stood unwavering against my issues. I still don’t know how she managed to put together a man as broken as I was. I fought her because I was too scared to love her. The arguing…I was used to it. It felt normal to me. The more affection she gave, the more I expected her to hurt me. Loving someone unconditionally was a challenge.

How could I be compassionate if I’d never seen compassion?

How could I give her a heart that I didn’t even know I had?

Trauma made me cold. I saw the world in black and white. I don’t know how she saw it so differently. I was a realist. She was a dreamer. And as much as I pushed her away, I couldn’t stop this aching pain in my chest whenever I walked out on her. Little did I know, she was the remedy that my heart craved for so long.

“I don’t know how to love you…..I don’t even know what that shit is. But for you…..for you I can learn.”

I wasn’t always like this.

I taught myself to love because I found someone worth loving. I faced my pain and my demons for the first time in my life and stood in front of the wall that blocked my heart. It towered over me and as I stared into this abyssal all-consuming blockade I could feel it looking right back at me.

But I chipped away at it.

Bit by bit.

Piece by Piece.

I knocked down that wall and put the parts of myself together that had been missing for so long. I learned that despite how my parents impacted me from their own dysfunction, it didn’t have to define the rest of my life.

We don’t realize how much our past shapes us. Our experiences and triumphs, and especially our tribulations and struggles. It can either inspire you or hold you back. I was the latter.

I wasn’t always like this.

I learned to love. I learned compassion. I learned companionship. And most importantly I learned to heal. Every word I write has been as much a lesson for me as has been for you.

You are not defined by your pain, if there is a block that’s keeping you from love and happiness then you need to look within yourself to break it down. Ask yourself:

Why do you cheat?

Why do you push them away?

Why do men scare you?

Why can’t you commit to her?

What is holding you back from being happy?

The answer is there. It always has been. Not everyone is able to delve deep into themselves. You’ll see things you don’t like, and it may be hard to peel back those layers. Trauma isn’t easy.

It’s normal to fear it. But never stop fighting it.

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