“Sex isn’t everything.”
OK sure, it’s not the BIGGEST part of your relationship but it’s extremely important to put as much work into it as possible. Don’t devalue sex, ESPECIALLY if you’re with a man. I cannot emphasize that enough. It’s extremely important to keep your sexual and emotional levels balanced in your relationship. It’s all a lot more connected than you think. As emotional levels waver your sexual desire does too. If sexual desire drops you won’t help but feel more emotionally disconnected from your partner. Balance is key.
Think about it, most relationships start based on initial physical attraction. Either you want to get in their pants, they want to get in yours, or both. We are sexual creatures by nature but there tends to be a disconnection when it comes to opening ourselves up sexually in a relationship. Some people are open and honest about their sexual desires where others are more reserved. It’s important to communicate with your partner on how you can please each other. Sexual incompatibility can negatively impact your relationship if you aren’t in sync. Its like opening the door for infidelity and dissatisfaction.
Now let me be clear, it’s possible to have amazing sex but not be sexually compatible with your partner. It’s as if you have this temporary satisfaction until the next time you’re rejected. Sure its great when it happens but a part of you can’t help but wonder why you were rejected 3 times before they said yes. Often times, one partner has a higher sex drive where the other has a much lower one. Naturally, this gives the partner with the lower desire complete control. The partner with the higher sexual tendencies is forced to accomodate and even restrict themselves for the sake of the other. This can lead to resentment in your relationship as those with higher sex drives are constantly faced with rejection and dissapointment.
What do you do? Well, the best thing you can do is communicate your frustrations with them. It can be difficult to talk about for men as often times we have to shrug off rejection, as if we’re expected to be used to it. But this isn’t catcalling. The reality is you can’t get used to not feeling wanted by someone you care about. Discuss the elephant in the room. They may flat out tell you that you’re bad at sex, but at least it’s something to work on. The truth may not be what you want to hear but its better than swimming in rejection and questioning yourself. It may be what your relationship needs.
“I don’t want sex to become an obligation.”
Listen I get it, sometimes you aren’t up for it. And that’s cool, but there’s a difference. If your rejecting your partner almost EVERY time they initiate and giving them pity sex to keep them around, you may not be the best partners for each other. Your desire needs to be full and genuine. You have to crave each other to have a happy and healthy sex life and it can’t be one sided. Otherwise, it won’t be long before your partner stops seeing you as a sexual partner and grows distant. You can’t force your sexual tendencies on them but you also can’t expect to limit their sexual wants and needs; both aren’t healthy and can lead to serious mistakes.
“Why would you cheat on me??”
“You don’t make me feel wanted.”
Learn to accommodate each other; one person shouldn’t be in full control of your sex life. If your partner has to think about rejection, the time of day or what cycle the moon is on before they initiate then you may not be sexually compatible. When it comes to sex, you should never be overthinking it. It’s not supposed to feel like defusing a bomb. Please don’t be afraid to discuss sex with your partner for the sake of your relationship.
Best case scenario you feel more in sync and attracted to each other after the fact. And worse case, you are faced with a decision of whether you want to keep feeling undesirable.or move on to someone who’ll make you feel more appreciated. It’s not a feeling you should carry. When sex feels unnatural then you simply may not be compatible and that’s not always something you can fix.