HA! This is a good one. A lot of times someone will come to me about an argument they had with their significant other, and next thing you know we end up analyzing it like one of those old forensic file episodes.
I enjoy helping you all get to understand your partners better. I do.
But there’s a special kind of person (idiot) where no matter what you tell them they either repeat the same action that you told them not to do, OR they go all the way left and do something even more outrageous; ending up in an even WORSE predicament. And SOMEHOW they always end up being the victim in the situation.
That’s like urinating on someone’s yard and then being offended when the sprinklers turn on.
Arguing is a pretty sensitive topic that all couples try to avoid. I get it, it can be a bit uncomfortable. We tend to put this negative meaning behind arguments when I believe it can be healthy in many ways. Now, one of the biggest mistakes to make when someone is agitated or upset is reacting before you understand the root of their aggravation. Take the time to listen and ask why they feel the way they do, it can change the tone of the conversation and lead to better communication between the two of you. Some of us have the tendency to simply match their energy. Its this evil little bastard in the back of our heads that goes:
Oh ok they wanna get all loud, fine we can get loud too.
Except we forget to take a step back and truly understand where their feelings come from. Almost 9 times out 10 whenever a guy friend of mine comes to me with lady advice it goes something like this:
mAn, mY giRl alWaYs tRipPin.
sHe OveR heRe sTaRtInG sTuFF cUz I lOok at InStAgraM bOoTy.
Bro weren’t you caught talking to other girls like two weeks ago?
hOlD tHaT, mY SidE PieCe cAlLiNg.
You have to understand. Someone doesn’t truly love you until they get on your every last nerve. It means they want you to be better and are willing to ride with you despite your faults. Your lady gets mad at you for putting the toilet seat up? Good. Not only did you find a woman who’s willing to share a toilet with you, but she plans to use it long term; don’t make it hard on her man, keep it down and aim center. Instead of reacting to their negativity, try to understand your partner’s feelings. One of the dumbest male inventions is the term “nagging”. It’s a deflection we use to ignore responsibility.
Hey, babe didn’t we talk about not leaving the dishes in the sink like this? Can you come clean it up? It’s gross and can lead to bugs.
oH mY GoD, i JuS tsAt DoWn! yOu’Re aLwAyS nAgGging!
Sounds ridiculous right? And yet, it happens ever day. Its literally just an excuse for us to stay in the exact same comfortable position we are in and complain our way out of whatever boring ass task you might be asking for. It’s Stupid. And yet we throw it around on Sunday Football like a goddamn frisby.
Arguments are going to happen more than you’d expect but it doesn’t necessarily mean you are in an unhealthy relationship. Please understand that you’re going to argue with your partner A LOT, whether you like it or not. You know what I’m even going to go so far as to encourage it. But use it to communicate with them in their most vulnerable states and not chip away at your relationship. Beautiful people, understand that we are all different. We aren’t built to get along all willy-nilly. Sometimes certain wires aren’t going to match right away without a little work.
But make every argument a teaching moment for you to learn more about your partner. If you don’t like something they do then say so but also give them the love and respect they deserve. If you don’t leave every argument with a feeling of growth and better understanding then there’s a problem. Argue, Compromise, Make-Up Sex, Growth. It’s pretty simple right? As common as arguing is, its important that we don’t spew negativity into our relationships. Don’t say something that will hurt them to win some argument that’s probably not worth the bond you share. I’ve seen a woman get upset with her man for drinking the rest of her coke zero and next thing you know:
“I dOn’t WaNt yOu tO bUy mE AnOtHeR oNE! iT’s dA pRinCiPaL!
I fAkE aLl mY OrGasMS!
The coke was $1.49 people! For a dollar and forty-nine cents, this man had his pride obliterated in a Popeyes! There’s a difference between arguing for progress in your relationship and arguing to argue. If you feel like someone is constantly starting drama with you for no clear reason then it could be a sign that their unhappy and trying to push you away. In some cases they could be guilty of enough dirt that it’s easy to assume you’re making the same moves. Misery loves company and if someone is deflecting certain actions onto you it may be something their doing themselves.
All in all, my point is to be open but stay respectful. The worst thing you can do is hold in your feelings during a relationship. Its only going to breed resentment. Don’t be so quick to anger when they do something wrong. Instead, try and build a level of communication with your partner where when you do get upset, sitting down and explaining your emotions doesn’t create more conflict. And if it so happens to excalate at least have the emotional intelligence to cherish your relationship even in the heat of the moment.
Don’t be afraid to take critiscm and grow up a little either. When someone you care about stops fighting with you, it can often mean there’s nothing left fighting for.