Can’t communicate? Don’t date.

I think we all forget how different we are. We become so wrapped up in “our point” when we argue that we think of a comeback before we listen; disregarding the voices of whom we’re dating. As much as we care for them and get wrapped up in the relationship, it can be hard to remember that this is a person with history; memories and connections long before you that have made them who they are. And we have to respect them. It’s natural to give all your focus to your similarities and the way you vibe but it’s important to look at the differences in your partner.

I can be the first to admit that we all have this image of our perfect relationship, some set of expectations for who we are with that we hold on to. We constantly compare our partners with these desires in our heads and when they don’t meet them it can lead to conflict. Now I’m not saying that you should break up with someone whenever they don’t meet your standards; don’t be shallow. But if you know that your partner is capable of something you want from them then don’t be afraid to express that. It’s not wrong to expect the best out of who you’re with. But it’s important to communicate that in a way that they understand. For example:

I can’t date a woman that can’t cook.

I told my girl this a while back and you should have seen the disgust on her face. And she actually loves to cook. Of course, I explained what I really meant but say I had left that statement there. No context, no explanation, no reasoning. All she got was an ultimatum and a take it or leave it. She’ll never want to make me a plate of food again because it becomes an obligation with no love in it! But see that’s not how a relationship works. There’s no take it or leave it because my opinion isn’t the only one that matters. What if she doesn’t want to cook every day? What if she expects me to cook for her? Its important that rather than just telling your partner what you want you explain why you want it and what they can do to satisfy that. So let’s go back to this statement:

I can’t date a woman that can’t cook.

Should then become:

I love dating a woman that can cook; there’s nothing better than eating a meal made by someone I cherish.

Yes its a bit corny, but your partner will understand and accept your feelings in a this way. You tell your lady this, and she will watch you eat that plate, I promise. It makes it easier to do things for you simply because of how you show your appreciation. You see, it’s all about how you phrase what you want; your tone and approach will decide the outcome of every conversation you have. Even sexual miscommunication happens all the time. Ladies, say your man isn’t satisfying you in bed; rather than stepping out on him, letting him go or becoming emotionally distant, communicate how you liked to be pleased. You may be surprised at his increase of effort and the way he improves. My point here is that we need to communicate more and expect less, none of us are dating mind-readers (thank god) so we should be more open with our partners. Sit them down, roll a nice joint and pick their brain.

Ask the questions that you know you want to find answers to. Listen and make sure you’re being listened to. Every single fault they have, every thing about them that makes you mad go out of your way to find its root. You can learn to respect their insecurities rather than resent them simply by understanding where they come from. Figuring out and assessing the way your partner thinks allows you to find a deeper appreciation for every person you date or if necessary lead you to the realization that you aren’t with the right person. Its ridiculous how much deeper you can fall for a person through a good revealing conversation.

Communication is the foundation of every relationship; without it everything you’ve built … crumbles.

2 Thoughts

  1. I’ve been married for 20 plus years so take my advice with a grain of salt.
    I could also cook and make a family dinner by the age of 13.
    I feel a better approach would be to ask the woman what sorts of things she likes to eat and cook. Take what she says and go from there.

    I was cooking before I was dating but leading with “I can’t date a woman that can’t cook” doesn’t seem like the best approach.


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